self inetrest

Is there anything beyond self interest? To me anybody who talks of selflessness is talking hokum, hogwas, bakwas with no such thing as selflessnes. Everytime i have seen myself or observed myself, every action springs up from the desire to be happy either momentarily or eternally. There is nothing like slefless love. Its always give and take, more often than not the former. I am never capable of giving, even if that happens, it happens with a tension of thought, or under some kind of pressure...its never willingly or wholeheartedly.And then there is conflict between what i want, the way i want and the way things are. The source of conflict surely is either the situation, the other fellow, the thing that i want to possess or none else but myself. How this sense of "I" or "ME" has come into picture in the first place. I really don't understand. Its always me first, the I first..and everything follows after that. Now the question is, who am I... the insecure, weak, empty, good for nothing fellow or the strong, confident, bubbly, jolly kind? I am for sure its either both or none. Writing all this is also a sort of reaction, a response, a desire to express, to say something...to give words to complex set of feelings and moods, whims and fancies. I just thought of doing something big, to be great, to be powerful and all that. The feeling is no more. Now the desire is to have varied experinces in life. I think its worth, to move around , to see the world. Its difficult to break free from the comforts of life and move into something altogether unknown. But how long all this will go on...i really don't know. Now i am calm, a liitle silent. To unravel it seems a futile attempt..the web of mind. Who is writing all this? Who is asking this question? And why the questining in the first place? Is this the way questions should be asked? Why we feel uncomfortable? Why we feel comfortable? Why this up and down? Is it becoz i have no opinions about things, even if i have..they are borrowed from somebody, somwhere else..Or is it becoz really speaking there cannot be your opinion or my opinion..there cannot be anything absolutely right or absolutely wrong. And we want something absolute. Something concrete, something very clear...no confusion whatsoever. But i really doubt i want to clear my confusions or i am not sure of the way confusions are cleared. There it seems can never be a sense of finality about anything. I am interested in finalizing things. I want to finish off with the struggle, the conflict, the confusion....that really means finishing off myself. To lose my head, to go disoriented, to put no effort...may be to die. The complete death, the annihilation, the abnegation...not the one imposed...the one which happens on its own. Its a difficult situation. I cannot get out of it..there is no way really...Do whatever do...the self, the decision maker, the judge is always there. We may try to kill it in various ways..But who is the killer and who gets killed. There is no end to it. It is. I cannot do anything about it. Even writing all this requires thinking, the self,.....its there and then all the time. It seems nothing is required.