when u feel vulnerable!!!

The mind is quiet after a violence that was not understood when it happened. The serious and superficial occupations of our own existence, and the web of complex feelings and cunning tricks of our minds...and i am there trapped in. To be honest requires a tremendous attention to every thought and feelings. Most often than not i find while observing myself that i really never think, i either imagine or feel. When emptied of all thoughts and feelings, the mind is quiet and vulnerable, there is nothing to latch on to. You feel the utter loneliness, a complete sense of emptiness, and falsity of your own self created image. The urge to control and acquire security(material as well as psychological) leads to division and hypocrisy. When i look deep down into myself, i find that i am nothing apart from my desires, whims, fancies, hatred, anger, attachments, lust, hypocrisy. And that is wht makes me restless...i cannot accept it as a truth.The truth is we all are absolutely alone. We seek security and fullfillment through one occupation or the other, through one human being or the other. We drink, we smoke, we fight, we hate,...we need to be occupied, or face the emptiness, the so called boredom. The titilation of nerves, the desire for pleasure or avoidance of pain ..all this makes us work. At least for me, it seems i am incapable of love..i really don't love anything or any human being..just a barren existence...with no colors...granite in place of heart. The insesitivity is dominant..i am just dead or too sensitive. I am afraid, insecure...and alone at heart. And that is truth of the moment.

Being Alone

The potential dangers of living alone include wrting on your blog instead of interacting personally with some human beings around you.Now the big question is , are we really alone at any point of time. We are always occupied with something, either suprficial or important.We are either planning about things to do in future or brooding over past. We are thinking of somebody or something all the time. So we are really never quiet.The mind goes on like a monkey all the time. Why are we like this? I don't understand really. We seem to be never interested in the present. Not only that, thoughts keep on repeating themselves with no result or consequence whatsoever. It becomes a mechanical process, repeating itself like a machine. For me i really don't understand the purpose of why at all we are here, and why the hell we are doing what we are doing in our lives. Ambitious, goal oriented,and all that..different manifestations of our desires or sense of fullfillment. The question again crops do we ever get satisfied? Do we ever get fullfilled? Does all this running around leads anywhere? No, not at all...But we have to run..its almost inevitable. But then there should be a method to it. Method requires certain rules, and smells of conditioning and discipline. But can method or discipline ever result into understanding this whole phenomenon called life? I again don't know. To remian free means, to remain unattached, every moment, everyday. Now again i don't think this can be cultivated with practice. With practice we can acquire skills, and do well in our exams and jobs. But to live completely without a trace of past or a glimpse of future will definitely require a mind which is absolutely clear, pure, and above all quiet, a mind which understands its own tricks and intricacies inherited through the billions and billions yeras of conditioning. And understanding requires a passive but alert observation without conclusions and results. Becoz, there is really no end...atleast it seems so to me. A grain of sand has infinite dimensions to its character. We really cannot conclude definite about it. Anything about it will be incomplete in one way or the other. We will always fall short of the total "SAND". The observation is total involvement, everything, nothing except that.

happenings of the day

It is good to get up early in the morning sometimes..u can see the morning sun..how often i missed it!!..the lazy guy doesn't get up early..too busy with his stupid vain dreams, i guess...statrted the day with a light exercise or two..had something for breakfast..and off to my office....nothing special..just some routine jobs..and yeah few technical discussions with some positive outcomes...let's see how they get implemented...got a mail from CRY for voluteering..responded back to them..and i have an appointment with the kids and volunteers coming sunday...i am just excited and looking forward to this new encounter...hope it turns out well...got back to my room...had a little rest..and then cooked some rice and dal for dinner (for a change, its buchi who does all the cooking, thought of just surprising her a bit)...buchi (my sister) was staying late at her office...
and here i m blogging..writing something which may be irrelevant and useless....but wht's not..and wht's not useful....or purpose precedes all action?...cannot there be nething without a purpose, at least writing in your blog...

so that's it....

just like that!!!

To scribble out of delight or frusturation or to vent out the inner turmoil is a stupid thing to do...i know..yet i m tempted to do so....who knows something might come out which can steer me out of this mess which can't be named or put into words...even if tried it would b a total failure..becoz explanation is not the explained and symbol is just a symbol and not the truth itself...sorry i just deviated a bit....friends, foes and enemies there is constant state of conflict within me all the time...to feel bad after u didn't do well in a written exam is appropriate..but to know where u went wrong is something impossible to understand after u have put in all the efforts... to love somebody ...whom u can't ask for being your life partner becoz of your own definition or idea of love or becoz of so many other factors like society, family, friends , parents, and so on so forth is a real mess u can be in...that too when the other person is as mysterious as the clouds in rainy season in mumbai..u just can't know wht she wants....to chalk out a plan for your career is vene more difficult..when i ask i myself "wht i wanna do in my life"..the answer is always ambiguous...deep down i feel i wanna do everything or just plain nothing....staring thru the windows...looking deep into the open sky..and wondering wht the hell is the purpose of my existence...why at all this conflict?..may be no purpose at all..but again it appears a sheer stupidity..we always feel there should be some purpose....a purpose created and desired by us..but the is there any purpose without me being in the picture...i mean the purpose , the goal and targets are individual things...but does this existence has anything to do with that?..why at all this struggle every moment?. to do smoehing?..to become somebody?... and why can't i love...sometimes i feel like..i m the most lonely man on this planet...it has its moments of beauty as well as utter helplessness also.....but mostly its always oscillating between the crest and trough of existence...
for me...i m always searching for something..wht?..i dunno myself....but there is almost a never ending quest or u can call discontent....wht for?....may be i want the whole world....may be i duuno wht to do..may be i can't accept the fact that i m just an owl...and nothing special....i m just i m ....
but then....to love when it can be lost, to go on when progress seems futile...and to believe with every fibre in your body to hope ..to live..and to never give in..is wht life is all about.....

ciaooo.............let sanity prevail....and keep hoping against all hopes...even if we don't..we will..its inevitable!!!