Holidays ..:)

Ahan!!. So the bunch of wannabe MBAs have holidays now officially ..the Deepawali Holidays..3 days. Officially, because these serious intelligent creatures were unoffically on an eternal holiday, just to find a quiz the next day, followed by a three days holiday. Thinking of quizzes & exams, the energy & passion to do well was a short term phenomenon associated with the first trimester/semester of any college, then theses emotions slowly subside & other priorities take over. Other priorities like, orkutting, chatting, talking over phone, watching movies on lappy ..so on so forth ..but not the academics. Soon, these guys need to change their priorities again or else phenomenon called DGPs can't be avoided for loong. Btw, what they teach at a B-school?. How can we know? yeah , how can we know when we hardly bother to listen to them or if we do so, the lullaby effect soon takes over and you see half of the class sleeping. There are strange ways of sleeping too. One gentleman in our class claims he can sleep without closing his eyes. Heard only horses can do so. May be some past connections, who knows..Strange is this world and stranger the people in this world. Then there is this character who sleeps ..oblivious of what is happening in the class, and then out of blue one finds a hand slowly rising in air ..oh!!...the boy is out of his sleep and he has a question now!!. Gawd, how can he ask a question when he didn't listen to the class in the first place. So the boy is named DCP of the class. The expansion would happen later. There are even more interesting & strange creatures in this samll MBA world of ours. But let me reserve them for rainy day.

So the Holidays, wht would i do?. Prolly study. Lots of catching up to do. That is what i intend do. But when did i say my intentions were ever bad. Though i never believed in taking responsiblities for my actions.

Loong time!

It is bee aeons, that i have not posted . Now that so much water has passed and so many things have happened in the last few months, i guess , i need to take some time out to say a few things.

1. The life more or less has been pretty happening yet the search is on.
2. The other day, they stole something from me, and i am little depressed about it.
3.It has started raining in mumbai, and i feel i would have to miss the mumbai rain, the view from my 18th floor balcony, and the pleasure of a cozy evening with friends in pursuit of something which gaurantees what is yet to be seen.
4. I have become more forgetful, as if mind was a slate and life a piece of chalk, it writes something on the slate but the rains of next moment wash them off, and the slate is ready for the new verse.
5. Though, there is not much of poetry in my life, may be because of the certain part of my brain being dead, i do find some of it when come across a good book.
6.The internet and online communities have taken a toll on me,they have been partly responsible for my not writing here. Too many people, too amny superficial relationships, and wonder of wonders, they don't know each other in anyway apart from the online interactions and they become each other's fan. Never though humanity was so good. And so i feel that pang of guilt, which cynic often feels who can't help but be a cynic yet deep down the call for positivity and beauty makes him sick of his own habit of cynicism.
7. I am going to join IIFT Delhi, for a two year MBA course, an MBA which i had been pursuing for quite some time. But, it was not only MBA that i was pursuing, the pursuit was a way of being latched on to something, something to hold me, something to keep my chaotic freedom under control, something which kept me anchored or else i don't know. I know quite a few of schizophrenic people around me. And yup born with a genetic get up which is often tempted to be on the insane side of the life, the probability was not really bad. yup, the probability of falling into the trap of insanity.

eh? I am off.

self inetrest

Is there anything beyond self interest? To me anybody who talks of selflessness is talking hokum, hogwas, bakwas with no such thing as selflessnes. Everytime i have seen myself or observed myself, every action springs up from the desire to be happy either momentarily or eternally. There is nothing like slefless love. Its always give and take, more often than not the former. I am never capable of giving, even if that happens, it happens with a tension of thought, or under some kind of pressure...its never willingly or wholeheartedly.And then there is conflict between what i want, the way i want and the way things are. The source of conflict surely is either the situation, the other fellow, the thing that i want to possess or none else but myself. How this sense of "I" or "ME" has come into picture in the first place. I really don't understand. Its always me first, the I first..and everything follows after that. Now the question is, who am I... the insecure, weak, empty, good for nothing fellow or the strong, confident, bubbly, jolly kind? I am for sure its either both or none. Writing all this is also a sort of reaction, a response, a desire to express, to say something...to give words to complex set of feelings and moods, whims and fancies. I just thought of doing something big, to be great, to be powerful and all that. The feeling is no more. Now the desire is to have varied experinces in life. I think its worth, to move around , to see the world. Its difficult to break free from the comforts of life and move into something altogether unknown. But how long all this will go on...i really don't know. Now i am calm, a liitle silent. To unravel it seems a futile attempt..the web of mind. Who is writing all this? Who is asking this question? And why the questining in the first place? Is this the way questions should be asked? Why we feel uncomfortable? Why we feel comfortable? Why this up and down? Is it becoz i have no opinions about things, even if i have..they are borrowed from somebody, somwhere else..Or is it becoz really speaking there cannot be your opinion or my opinion..there cannot be anything absolutely right or absolutely wrong. And we want something absolute. Something concrete, something very clear...no confusion whatsoever. But i really doubt i want to clear my confusions or i am not sure of the way confusions are cleared. There it seems can never be a sense of finality about anything. I am interested in finalizing things. I want to finish off with the struggle, the conflict, the confusion....that really means finishing off myself. To lose my head, to go disoriented, to put no effort...may be to die. The complete death, the annihilation, the abnegation...not the one imposed...the one which happens on its own. Its a difficult situation. I cannot get out of it..there is no way really...Do whatever do...the self, the decision maker, the judge is always there. We may try to kill it in various ways..But who is the killer and who gets killed. There is no end to it. It is. I cannot do anything about it. Even writing all this requires thinking, the self,.....its there and then all the time. It seems nothing is required.

when u feel vulnerable!!!

The mind is quiet after a violence that was not understood when it happened. The serious and superficial occupations of our own existence, and the web of complex feelings and cunning tricks of our minds...and i am there trapped in. To be honest requires a tremendous attention to every thought and feelings. Most often than not i find while observing myself that i really never think, i either imagine or feel. When emptied of all thoughts and feelings, the mind is quiet and vulnerable, there is nothing to latch on to. You feel the utter loneliness, a complete sense of emptiness, and falsity of your own self created image. The urge to control and acquire security(material as well as psychological) leads to division and hypocrisy. When i look deep down into myself, i find that i am nothing apart from my desires, whims, fancies, hatred, anger, attachments, lust, hypocrisy. And that is wht makes me restless...i cannot accept it as a truth.The truth is we all are absolutely alone. We seek security and fullfillment through one occupation or the other, through one human being or the other. We drink, we smoke, we fight, we hate,...we need to be occupied, or face the emptiness, the so called boredom. The titilation of nerves, the desire for pleasure or avoidance of pain ..all this makes us work. At least for me, it seems i am incapable of love..i really don't love anything or any human being..just a barren existence...with no colors...granite in place of heart. The insesitivity is dominant..i am just dead or too sensitive. I am afraid, insecure...and alone at heart. And that is truth of the moment.

Being Alone

The potential dangers of living alone include wrting on your blog instead of interacting personally with some human beings around you.Now the big question is , are we really alone at any point of time. We are always occupied with something, either suprficial or important.We are either planning about things to do in future or brooding over past. We are thinking of somebody or something all the time. So we are really never quiet.The mind goes on like a monkey all the time. Why are we like this? I don't understand really. We seem to be never interested in the present. Not only that, thoughts keep on repeating themselves with no result or consequence whatsoever. It becomes a mechanical process, repeating itself like a machine. For me i really don't understand the purpose of why at all we are here, and why the hell we are doing what we are doing in our lives. Ambitious, goal oriented,and all that..different manifestations of our desires or sense of fullfillment. The question again crops do we ever get satisfied? Do we ever get fullfilled? Does all this running around leads anywhere? No, not at all...But we have to run..its almost inevitable. But then there should be a method to it. Method requires certain rules, and smells of conditioning and discipline. But can method or discipline ever result into understanding this whole phenomenon called life? I again don't know. To remian free means, to remain unattached, every moment, everyday. Now again i don't think this can be cultivated with practice. With practice we can acquire skills, and do well in our exams and jobs. But to live completely without a trace of past or a glimpse of future will definitely require a mind which is absolutely clear, pure, and above all quiet, a mind which understands its own tricks and intricacies inherited through the billions and billions yeras of conditioning. And understanding requires a passive but alert observation without conclusions and results. Becoz, there is really no end...atleast it seems so to me. A grain of sand has infinite dimensions to its character. We really cannot conclude definite about it. Anything about it will be incomplete in one way or the other. We will always fall short of the total "SAND". The observation is total involvement, everything, nothing except that.

happenings of the day

It is good to get up early in the morning sometimes..u can see the morning sun..how often i missed it!!..the lazy guy doesn't get up early..too busy with his stupid vain dreams, i guess...statrted the day with a light exercise or two..had something for breakfast..and off to my office....nothing special..just some routine jobs..and yeah few technical discussions with some positive outcomes...let's see how they get implemented...got a mail from CRY for voluteering..responded back to them..and i have an appointment with the kids and volunteers coming sunday...i am just excited and looking forward to this new encounter...hope it turns out well...got back to my room...had a little rest..and then cooked some rice and dal for dinner (for a change, its buchi who does all the cooking, thought of just surprising her a bit)...buchi (my sister) was staying late at her office...
and here i m blogging..writing something which may be irrelevant and useless....but wht's not..and wht's not useful....or purpose precedes all action?...cannot there be nething without a purpose, at least writing in your blog...

so that's it....

just like that!!!

To scribble out of delight or frusturation or to vent out the inner turmoil is a stupid thing to do...i know..yet i m tempted to do so....who knows something might come out which can steer me out of this mess which can't be named or put into words...even if tried it would b a total failure..becoz explanation is not the explained and symbol is just a symbol and not the truth itself...sorry i just deviated a bit....friends, foes and enemies there is constant state of conflict within me all the time...to feel bad after u didn't do well in a written exam is appropriate..but to know where u went wrong is something impossible to understand after u have put in all the efforts... to love somebody ...whom u can't ask for being your life partner becoz of your own definition or idea of love or becoz of so many other factors like society, family, friends , parents, and so on so forth is a real mess u can be in...that too when the other person is as mysterious as the clouds in rainy season in mumbai..u just can't know wht she wants....to chalk out a plan for your career is vene more difficult..when i ask i myself "wht i wanna do in my life"..the answer is always ambiguous...deep down i feel i wanna do everything or just plain nothing....staring thru the windows...looking deep into the open sky..and wondering wht the hell is the purpose of my existence...why at all this conflict?..may be no purpose at all..but again it appears a sheer stupidity..we always feel there should be some purpose....a purpose created and desired by us..but the is there any purpose without me being in the picture...i mean the purpose , the goal and targets are individual things...but does this existence has anything to do with that?..why at all this struggle every moment?. to do smoehing?..to become somebody?... and why can't i love...sometimes i feel like..i m the most lonely man on this planet...it has its moments of beauty as well as utter helplessness also.....but mostly its always oscillating between the crest and trough of existence...
for me...i m always searching for something..wht?..i dunno myself....but there is almost a never ending quest or u can call discontent....wht for?....may be i want the whole world....may be i duuno wht to do..may be i can't accept the fact that i m just an owl...and nothing special....i m just i m ....
but then....to love when it can be lost, to go on when progress seems futile...and to believe with every fibre in your body to hope ..to live..and to never give in..is wht life is all about.....

ciaooo.............let sanity prevail....and keep hoping against all hopes...even if we don't..we will..its inevitable!!!